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Why Homeworld is Better Than Pants

Pants. Since the beginning of time man has longed to destroy pants. Unfortunately, pro-pant sentiment has reached a crescendo in this most recent century as tinkers, tailors, soldiers, and yes, even spys have all embraced pants as a required garment. Small pockets of resistance exist but are, for the most part, overshadowed by The Big Pant Machine.

With the arrival of Homeworld on the world scene, an opportunity for the Pantsless Liberation Army exists. Using scientifically approved methods, we intend to prove the superiority of Homeworld over the scourge that The Man likes to call “pants.” Hopefully, when confronted with the overwhelming evidence, the masses shall revolt, purchase Homeworld and remove their pants in a bare legged orgy of RTS gameplay.

Perhaps the most obvious advantage Homeworld offers over pants is its true three dimensional nature. The three hundred sixty degrees of freedom that Homeworld offers easily eclipses the locked down, two dimensional rigidity of pants. At best, pants offer a pseudo three dimensional mode. The easiest analogy to make would be to Digital Anvil’s upcoming RTS title, Conquest: Frontier Wars. At first glance, they appear to be three dimensional but really only offer varying two dimensional layers. Observe the flat, two dimensional pants in figure 1 and the texture mapped polygon goodness that is Homeworld.

Along similar lines, Homeworld’s superior audio engine easily blows pants’ sonic inadequacies out of the water. While Homeworld features one of the most advanced audio engines ever devised, what do pants offer? Zip. Zilch. Zero. Sounds may emanate from substances within your pants, but the pants themselves offer no aural feedback. Figure 2 illustrates this concept quite nicely.

While less obvious, the most extreme disparity between Homeworld and pants is observed through the user interfaces each offers. Homeworld offers a truly intuitive interface requiring the use of only two hands: one on the mouse, one on the keyboard. The use of pants requires the cooperation of one’s whole body. Legs and arms must be in a state of complete harmony, particularly during operations which involve the removal and installation of pants. These cumbersome operations take up valuable time that could have been better spent sending hordes of fighters against a fleet of Assault Frigates.

Pants are inherently evil. Many of history’s greatest villains have worn pants; Hitler, Napoleon, and I’m sure the third Antichrist will also wear pants. This concept can be seen clearly in figure 3.

Another huge advantage in Homeworld’s favour is its addictive multiplayer capability. Whether it be team play, one on one, or a free for all, Homeworld has you covered. There can be multiplayer capability around and/or in one’s pants but if the majority of Homeworld fans are anything like me, they probably experience much more singleplayer in their pants. Don’t get me wrong; singleplayer is entertaining but it cannot hold a candle to some hot and heavy multiplayer action. Or so I’ve been told. No figure exists for this concept as it would have been exceedingly graphic.

If you’re still unconvinced of Homeworld’s superiority over pants after this rational, point by point analysis, I really can’t think of anything else to say other than to remember the old saying, “Pantslessness is next to godliness.”


The views expressed in this article may not jive with those of the “Establishment.”